campcampfandomcom-20200214-history
Transcript:Bonjour Bonquisha
Max: What the hell's with all the noise?! Nikki: Yeah, you're ruining Space Kid's run at the Gallon Challenge! Nikki: Oh... Never mind! Neil: Told ya. David: Sorry, kiddos, guess the old Camp Mobile's just acting up today. Max: Hold up, flowers? Max: A boutonniere? Max: What're you doing? Going to prom? David: Oh, no, I've got a date tonight. Max: A date?! Nikki: You? David: What? Is that really so hard to believe? Neil: Honestly, yeah. Neil: I really thought it was just some sort of Ken doll situation down there. David: Well, you're wrong. David: I happen to be a bit of a hopeless romantic. Max: Oh, hopeless for sure. Nikki: So, who's the lucky lady? Nikki: How'd you meet her? Have you held hands? David: Well, technically I met her online, but I consider our first meeting to be at the premiere of Preston's play Max: WAIT Max: Wait Max: Wait Wait Max: Wait Wait Wait Max: Wait Wait Wait Wait Max: Wait Wait Wait Wait Wait Max: Wait Wait Wait Wait Wait Wait Max: Wait Wait Wait Wait Wait Wait Wait Max: Wait Wait Wait Wait Wait Wait Wait Wait Max: Wait Wait Wait Wait Wait Wait Wait Wait WAIT Max: DAVID! Are you dating BONQUISHA?! David: Oh, you remember her? Max: This is the best day of my life! Ha ha ha ha ha! Neil: You've been seeing each other this whole time? David: Sure have! David: We really hit it off! David: She says I'm cute AF- which I assume stands for "and fun." Nikki: Aawww, it doesn't. David: Bonbon? What are you doing here? I'm not supposed to pick you up for another hour. Max: Fucking Bonbon?! Bonquisha: David, I'm sorry but, this ain't working out. You're just not man enough for Bonquisha David: What do you mean? What are you saying? Bonquisha: I'm saying, it's over, David. I'm breaking up with you. David: Oh... Space Kid: I did it! OOOOOHHHHHH! ♪ There's a place I know that's tucked away, a place where you and I can stay, where we can go to laugh and play ♪ ♪and have adventures every day ♪ ♪ I know it sounds hard to believe, but guys and gals, it's true ♪ ♪ Camp Campbell is the place for me and you! ♪ ♪ We'll swim through lakes and climb up trees, catch fish, bug, bears and honeybees ♪ ♪ There's endless possibilities, and no that's not hyperbole! ♪ ♪ Our motto's Campe Diem and that means I'm telling you... ♪ ♪ We've got: ♪ ♪ Archery, hiking, search-and-rescue, biking ♪ ♪ Horseback, training that'll save you from a heart attack, scuba diving, miming, ♪ ♪ Football, limbo, science, stunting, pre-calc, spaceships, ♪ ♪ Treasure hunting, bomb defusal, no refusal, fantasies, circus trapeze ♪ ♪ And fights and ghosts and paints and snakes and knives and chess and dance and weights, ♪ ♪ It's Camp Camp! ♪ Gwen: Aaaand that covers the basics of the Heimlich maneuver. Gwen: David, would you mind demonstrating what we've learned on the dummy? David: Sure thing, co-counselor. Max: Oh, God, here it comes. David crying: F-first you wrap your arms around them tight. Just like this, just like- David: Bonquisha used to! groan Preston: My heart! Gwen: Okay, David- David: -and then you hold them close. You hold them close and never let go, David: otherwise they'll leaaaheheheve! Nikki: Gwen, weren't we supposed to be done with first aid camp yesterday? Gwen: Nikki, I am just one woman. Gwen: I can't be expected to take care of stupid children AND all you campers. Come on David, Gwen: I know two people who can cheer you up. David: Ben and Jerry? Gwen: Ben and Jerry. Max: That's it, depressed David is OFFICIALLY worse than happy David. Preston: But, can you really blame the poor soul? Max: Yes! Jesus Christ! It's been over a week, Max: And he still loses his shit over every little thing! We've got to get Bonquisha to take him back. Dolph: But how? Nikki: Well, when my dad wanted to get my mom back, he sent her flowers, and chocolates, and then some lawyers! Nikki: And then I think she got a new car? Harrison: What about a cute puppy? Harrison: Or... kitten? Nerris: Material possessions. A true romantic would recite a poem. Preston: Or a song! Dolph: Oh yah! Playing a song from a stereo, held high above his head in a declaration of love! Ered: He should just get in, like, super good shape. Neil: Or maybe the opposite? I'm just saying terminal illness really seems to bring people together in the movies. Nurf: My mom just got pregnant. Max: Guys, we're not gonna find an answer by listing a bunch of stupid ideas and movie cliches. SK: Well, what if we tried all of them? Bonquisha: What my dog does is his own business, what the- Max: Hit it! Music Bonquisha: Oh my God.. Preston: Quick! Cue the rain! Everything's sexier in the rain! Bonquisha: Oh, hell no, I don't know what kind of hokey religion this is, but I tell you what I told them damn Mormons: Bonquisha: I'm interested, but not ready to explore myself spiritually- now get the hell outta here! Preston: Our profession of love! How could it have failed? meows Neil: (Screams) Max: God damn it. Off-Screen Voice: What are you losers doing here? Max: Sasha. Erin. Tabii with two i's. Sasha: As if anyone forgot. Nikki: David's lady friend dumped him, so we're convincing her to take him back. Sasha: Riiiight... Tabii: Heeeyyy, Neeilll. Neil: Oh God, the Flower Scouts. What are you doing here? Tabii: Scouting out cookie sale locations, obviously Sasha: Poor people love trash food. Erin: It's like, their thaaaang. Sasha: So what's the holdup? Just make his ex take him back and move on with your lives Max: It ain't that easy, princess. Tabii: Umm, of COURSE it is. Erin: We're girls, we would know. Neil: I mean they could provide us with a female perspective. Nikki: I'm a female. Max/Neil: Ehh... Tabii: It's easy, handsome. You just gotta make her jealous. Neil: Jealous? Tabii: Yes! If a girl knows a man is with another girl, we HAVE to have him. Tabii: My sister told me... Max: Hmm... Okay, Sasha, Erin, Tabii? Tabii: Spelled with two i's! Max: I can't believe I'm saying this, but will you help us? Sasha: Of course! For a pre-order of 500 cookies. Max: Deal. Flower Scouts: Step 1: We reserve two tables at the hella nicest restaurant in town. Step 2: We invite David and Bonquisha to the same restaurant, but seat them at different tables, making sure neither of them sees each other untillll, Tabii: Step 3: A beautiful woman suddenly approaches David and the two hit it off right away. Tabii: Bonquisha sees David, gets mad jelly, and demands to take him back. Max: I gotta hand it to you, ladies. Max: I think this might actually work. Waitress: Are y'all lil' darlings ready to order? FS: No! Erin: Actually, could I get a refill on water? Max: So, where are you gonna find David's beautiful woman? Sasha: She's already here. Sasha: How do I looook? Max: Not a day over 11. Sasha: OMG, thank you. I moisturize. Tabii: We've read tons of CosmoGirl to prep for this, too. Sasha: Tabii, hush. Perk 'em up. Sasha: Hey, there sexy, see anything you like? David: Umm, do I know you? Sasha: No, do you want to? Choking Sasha: Plenty more where that came from. Max: Neil, I've never seduced a man before, but are they doing it right? Neil: We've got a bigger problem. Bonquisha hasn't looked up from her menu since she sat down, she's missing everything. Bonquisha: Hmm, do I want soup? Bonquisha: Ohhh, or do I want SALAD? Neil: What do we do? Max: I don't know, get out there and cause a scene or somethin'! Waitress: Oh, look at you little man. Do you want to be a waiter when you grow up? Neil: Oh God, no. Waitress: Aww, you are just the cutest! Tabii: WHAT?! David: Did your stomach just talk? Sasha: Umm, I'm hungry. Hungry for the D! Neil: Hey Max? I think I caused a scene... Tabii: Back the fuck off my man you skank! Screams Neil: Holy fucking shit! Waitress: Oh my goodness, are you okay? Tabii: I'll kill you, slut! Bonquisha: Whoa, whoa, break it up. Don't make me use my Crossfit on you! David: Bonquisha? Bonquisha: David? Sasha: Tabii, seriously, what the FUCK?! Erin: You got blood on my boots. David: The Flower Scouts? David: Max! Max: Damn it. David: Did you three have something to do with this? Neil: No Nikki: Yes! Max: We were trying to get you and Bonquisha back together so you would quit sobbing all day and get back to your usual, somehow, less annoying self. David: Back together? David: Oh kids, I... I'm sorry I haven't really been myself lately, but that's no reason to try and force something that just isn't going to happen. Kids: What? Tabii: This really fucking hurts. Nikki: But isn't that what you want? David: Of course I do. But that's not how relationships work. We don't get to choose how or who we fall for, and we don't get to choose if or when those feelings go away. But if they do, and you find yourself alone, that shouldn't take away the good times you DID have together, and that shouldn't take away the things you learned about yourself. It's okay to be sad about what you lost, but eventually you should try to be thankful for what you gained from the experience. And, maybe, with enough time, and enough understanding, you'll find that you're not alone; but rather, that you traded a romance for a friend. A friend that still wants the best for you, even if they had to hurt you by saying they weren't the best for you nor you for them. Bonquisha: Oh, David, your words have touched me in a place your hands never could. clapping ???: Wow... Just wow, man. That was beautiful. David: Umm, thank you..? ???: Thank YOU. ???: Gosh, I could really see why you and Bonquisha were together. ???: She has excellent taste in men, and you seem like a real stand-up guy. David: I'm sorry, who are you?? Jacob: Oh, where are my manners? My name's Jacob. I'm Bonquisha's new lover. David: Oh... Exclamations Max: WHAT HAPPENED TO FRIENDSHIP AND UNDERSTANDING?! David: Well, I DID say healing takes time.. groans Max: OH, SHI-- Bon Voyage" by Richie Branson Category:Transcripts